Still in the US

Damn. I'm not in New Zealand yet. But I'm almost there. Well, maybe not. I think I still have around 20 hours until that.
Here I sit, in the Portland Airport with a bazillion things zooming through my head. Most recently I was able to distract myself from all these things by thinking about what a bitch the United Airlines lady was. Like a straight up, mean person. Some kind of dumbass too, she didn’t seem to know what a visa was. In any case, now that I’m away from the general vicinity of her bitchiness my racing mind has returned. The thoughts seem to zoom so fast that I'm certain I won't be able to write them all down...

I bawled on the way here. Mom and Dad don't know because I'm semi-pro when it comes to hiding my feelings. They probably just thought I was quietly taking in the view of Portland from I5 for the last time until this winter. But I wonder if I really do hide my feelings well at all. They probably saw me rub my eyes, as if I could still be groggy at 11:30.

I’ve spent some time thinking about this summer. I’ve been excited to go to New Zealand for a long time now, but the past few weeks have made it really difficult for me to imagine leaving. My time at camp reminded me how much if enjoy camp (I mean seriously, I fucking love camp) and how much I’m going to miss it. I’m not sure how it’s going to be next summer if I get a job or internship doing something else and I can’t be at camp. I think if I had to analyze it, it’s like camp sort of represents my childhood/adolescence and all the things that were wonderful about it and once I stop doing camp I’m essentially letting go of that and accepting the fact that I’ve grown up. And let’s be real, I don’t want to grow up. In the words of Andrew Jackson,
“growing up really fucking sucks”. I’m super excited to get to New Zealand and see one of my best friends from school, the other WU people and meet some crazy kiwis, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m missing out on something by leaving.

Maybe it’s because my best friend just got back into town, another great friend I’ve seen only like twice this summer, another might not be here when I’m back, and I know that the summer is really just about to kick off. And I mean really kick off, what with the 4th of July happening tomorrow. I know without a doubt that there will be good times had.

Maybe it’s because even though I know that I’ll see all my friends again when I get back, there are a few people I’m not sure that I will see again. I mean I’ll probably see my camp friends again, even if it isn’t at camp, but there was one person at camp I really enjoyed spending time with who I’m actually not sure I’ll see again. I’m not sure if I ever told her that either. I can’t explain it, but it just feels like I won’t see her again. This really bothers me and I’m don’t know why. Or maybe I do…

But perhaps it’s simply because I’m venturing to a new place that I really – despite talking to tons of people and researching – don’t know much about. Maybe I’m just nervous.

REM told me that it’s easier to leave then to be left behind and I’ve experienced that firsthand plenty of times. Being the last one left somewhere sucks balls. But it’s like even though I’m leaving, I’m the one who’s being left behind.